his infernal slyness

DOCTOR (inspecting the inside of my upper arm): You're so fair... do you get out in the sun much? Do you have a vitamin deficiency?

ME: ?????

Dude, I'm white. I have fair hair. And fair eyebrows. And I live in the skin-cancer state where people who don't wear sunblock end up looking like chamois leather. And I think fake tans are tacky. And I don't generally try and tan my armpits in any case. And I wouldn't be able to avoid sunlight anyway because I have to work for my living. WTF?!,i

And then when I complained that the pills were making me unbelievably tired, she had the cheek to make out that it was my thyroid making me tired and it wasn't really a problem.

(Coincidentally, my tiredness stopped when I stopped taking the pills. I just think my dosage is too high, that's all. And you know, the extreme tiredness IS a problem, thanks doctor, because as I've already said: I HAVE TO WORK FOR MY LIVING. IF I DON'T WORK, I DON'T GET PAID.)

Then she came out with a stunner: "We want you to feel better. F wants you to feel better."

Um, hello, how dare you put words into my partner's mouth whilst she's sitting right beside me? And how dare you imply that F is suffering in silence at my bedside because she knows how sick I am and I'm Just Not Listening?

I felt fine before I started taking these crappy pills, and guess what? F AGREES WITH ME! IN FACT, SHE WAS THE ONE WHO SUGGESTED THAT THE DOSAGE WAS TOO HIGH.

I'm getting so, so sick of being ignored. Every time I say "but I felt fine before this, honestly," I get a patronising smile and a condescending remark about how "it must have been going on for a long time." I'm perfectly willing to accept that there is a physical problem -- the blood pressure, for example -- but getting told over and over again that I'm going to feel better soon? IS REALLY FUCKING ANNOYING.

I really need a new doctor. Or I'm going to punch someone.

Happy birthday F! Revel in your hag-itude! <3

We went birthday-present shopping today & came back with a sapphire shiny & some dvds & an unscratched copy of Pharaoh. All for F, obviously. Although I did manage to convince her that Season 1 of the X-Files was what she really really wanted.

I managed to totter around the town without falling over or passing out, which is Quite The Achievement. Glad to be back in the house, though. Not looking forward to trip to Sunnybank first thing tomorrow morning for new pills, though. And definitely not looking forward to work. Actually, am dreading it. Hence the sentence fragments. Want to quit. Want to quit. Want to call in sick.

Have been looking around IJ for people to add because basically ishtar79 is the only person who ever updates her IJ. I've found it quite disheartening so far. I've found quite a few people who seem normal & share similar interests to me, but then I scroll down to the end of their userinfo and see that they're a member of the soulbonding community or something equally shit-tastic.

Soulbonding. I mean for fuck's sake, seriously now?

The search continues...

I am, however, looking forward to enrolling in the Open University to get another bachelor's degree--this time in Computing Studies through RMIT University with a minor in Accounting.

I have basically mapped out all the units I want to take, including electives in Chemistry, Physics, web design & the usual suspect, Religious Studies.

It's like whenever I need to make up some credit points I reach out for Jesus.

So to speak.

Religious Studies wise, I will be starting with THE LONG SEARCH which is basically an introduction to the major religions and should therefore be a piece of cake. Then there is MYTH, RITUAL & THE SACRED which is self-explanatory & looks insanely interesting. Then there will be RELIGIONS OF THE ANCIENT WORLD (Egyptian & Greek, y0) and finally MYTH IN THE ANCIENT WORLD which is actually a history unit & will tie in nicely with my other modules.

The core units for the Comp Sci aspect are also making me happy and I have been making basic C programs to prove to myself that I am still capable of logical, rational thought. Yes. Then I cleverly created a loop that would run FOREVER and felt like a bit of an idiot.

Mum got really excited when I told her what I'd planned & said I'd really enjoy it. She lost it with English and became a COBOL programmer way back in the day (before then becoming a teacher) so she understands my mad desire to go and do something TANGIBLE and SENSIBLE instead of bloody English.

But omg, now I want to do a Classics degree as well... if I hadn't been so sick + stupid back at university I would have graduated with Ancient History & Archaeology but I didn't take the end of year exams and switched to English because I was so panicky and nervous and wanted to run away. I should not have been allowed to make any kind of Important Decision back then, seriously.

But yes. I am looking at this as a way to redeem myself after a fairly mediocre showing last time at uni. I know I bitch about Not Being Sick now, but I was sick on & off for long periods of time back then & really not in any fit state of mind to do much work. THINGS ARE GOING TO CHANGE.

And it's distance learning so I don't have to see any bloody students or talk to anyone face-to-face! Number #1 problem with my last uni? SORTED.

So the side-effects of the pills I'm taking make me feel sicker than I did before. Hives. All over. Swollen limbs & joint pain. My fingers feel like they're arthritic. And I'm so so so so tired. Plus I've got some kind of weird flu-thing, which really doesn't help. I'm not sure if the nausea & fatigue are due to the flu-thing or due to the pills, but the pills really don't help. However, F rang the endo this evening and the endo advised us to get an appointment for Wednesday or Thursday so I could try out some new pills.

I'm sort of worried because there aren't an infinite supply of pills I can try out. The easiest + best-case scenario for my treatment was to take the pills for 6 months to 2 years and hopefully go into remission (although I swear I was in remission anyway before they started screwing with me. I was sick in 2006 but I GOT BETTER.)

But if I keep reacting badly to pills, and the disease flares up again it might have to be surgery because I'm not swallowing anything radioactive, no thank you. And then I'll go hypo and won't be able to drag myself out of bed ever again & will be on medication for life and I SERIOUSLY CANNOT BE BOTHERED TO DO THAT IN AUSTRALIA. Anything more serious than pills & I'm going to have to go back to the UK and we'll have to get the cats sorted out and that'll take about 7 months, and we've only just got the house looking tidy, oh arg.

I don't have to go back to work til Thursday, but I'm dreading it already. If I don't feel any better by then I might just quit, take another week off work and then find a new job. At least I'm limited to temp jobs atm so I can be fairly flexible.

In other news, I turned 25, and I read Twilight. The only statement I have to offer in my defence is this: I did it for the lulz.

2,020 / 2,000 (101.0%)

Update #5. Done!

Am feeling wangsty and emo, as you may have guessed, And I don't want to talk about it, except I obviously DO want to talk about it otherwise I wouldn't be posting but I don't really know what to say and I always delete angsty posts ANYWAY which is SILLY.

Life shouldn't be pain at the minute except it is because I am in one of those moods where I don't want to leave the house ever again. I think it is a vague agoraphobia thing. I feel better INSIDE. But I must commute to work. Honestly, if I could work from home I'd never whinge again. (Well, I would. I just wouldn't whinge about the journey. I'd still whinge about customers, because they suck.)

I just hate leaving the house & waiting for the bus and being ON the bus. Especially on days like today, when all my reactions are off, and people look at you for a little bit longer than necessary, and their voices sound like they're coming through water and you feel as exposed as you would if you were on a shooting range or something like that.

Maybe I should learn to drive, then I could be in a little enclosed space that is ALL MINE.

I can turn the simple process of catching the bus into a three act drama and it r killing me at the minute, kthx.

I wish I could Apparate.

Battlestar Galatica has been making me all sniffly.

I even cried over( spoiler? )

In other, non-spoilery news, the Sixes are still gorgeous. :D

I've been feeling a bit 'blah' about the thought of posting my Deep & Meaningfuls online of late. Mostly because I have no deep & meaningfuls. I do, however, want to build up an active IJ flist, and I suppose I should post or something.

Or maybe go and friend people who look interesting. That might be the way to go.

***

Work is okay at the minute. I'm being groomed to go permanent, alongside a group of nine other people, which would be good money-wise and also look awesome on the CV. I actually find the work pretty interesting--the days don't drag as much as they did when I was doing data-entry--and it can be quite complex. We're not dealing with the floods any more, though. We got put into the Business as Usual section as part of the whole grooming thing. The downside to this is that I no longer feel pity for my clients. When dealing with flood claims, the customers had lost EVERYTHING. Now they're just spoiled wankers who can't be bothered to read the terms and conditions of their policies. Do I take pleasure in rejecting their claims? Why, yes, I suppose I do.

***

Enough rambling about work. I need to stop dwelling on it when I get home, but I find it a bit intense at times. I guess it's because I've only been there a few months.

The synopsis for my novel still isn't finished. I'm almost done, though. I've only got to wrap up the conclusion of the story (harder than it sounds, OH SO HARD) and that's it. Then I have to go through the novel and correct any stray Americanisms like 'realize' or 'authorize'--curse you, auto-correct! You take my words and change them without my consent!

I joined my regional Writers' Centre the other day. I've had a squizz at the forum, although I haven't posted there yet and I'm not sure I will. The thing about poetry, people, is that it can really SUCK if you're determined to make it rhyme. I am quite tempted by an editorial consultancy, but the thing is... I already have a determined career goal. I know the kind of books I want to write, and how long I want to write them before I branch out into an older readership. I think I'd really prefer a manuscript assessment, because I find myself panicking about how I have no talent--but I know, deep down, that I am capable of editing a novel and cutting out the crap.

I'm just terrified, that's all. The closer I get to finishing this thing, the fewer excuses I'll have for not sending it off. I've never been this determined before, and I'm petrified.

***

It's nearly winter. This is odd, because it's nearly June. Oh, Australia. I know we've technically already had Christmas (in the summer, no less), but the cold mornings and cold nights just make me feel as though I should be buying an advent calender & putting up a tree. Maybe I'll have a fake-Christmas in June.

***

You may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

I can't write a synopsis to save my sodding life.

:(

After an immense amount of bollocksing about, I just MIGHT have managed to migrate all my LJ posts.

And I do mean all of them.

Never before have all these entries been on the same journal. My dream of combining my many journals has finally been realized. Looking at entries from 2002 and 2003, I'm sort of cringing at how computer-illiterate I was, as well as how INSANELY DEPRESSED. You keep saying 'reboot the computer,' slytherinspirit. I do not think it means what you think it means.

Only, comments don't get migrated. Woe. However, I have them all saved as html files, so yeah.

LJ-SEC for the win, clearly.

I still don't believe that the removal of interests from the Popular Interests page was a bug, as Marta and Danah Boyd have indicated.

This caused a huge outcry, and so even if this were a technical glitch, it should have been announced in public. To clear things up. To stop people thinking that SUP discriminates. Normal business would have fallen over themselves to provide an explanation for this glitch, at the very least as a means of damage control. Normal people don't like others thinking badly of them, hence normal people would have EXPLAINED THEMSELVES. The fact that there's been no official statement from SUP only lowers my opinion of them. It indicates that they don't really care what their userbase think of them, and to be honest, I think it casts doubt on the whole 'bug' explanation.

So does this code analysis.

So does the news that LJ is becoming even more ad-friendly and corporate-friendly! Now if your content is ok, you can be sponsored by Teh Corporations!11 You can has tacky branded lj-layout!11

Oh, and if your content isn't good enough, the advertising sponsor can drop you. Not that SUP have said anything in detail about this aspect, of course, It's just implied.

But yeah. Filtered interests, and now this? GEE, MAYBE THE TWO EVENTS ARE CONNECTED.

I just don't trust you, LJ. You removed the fucking interests so the new advertisers (Hello, HP) could take a look at your site and agree to sponsor parts of it. But yey, at least paid users can still use ?style=mine so they don't have to see the layouts. Or anyone's layout, come to speak of it. Or get the service they paid for, but who cares about that?

Certainly not SUP.

Written 2007. Violet is of age, okay! And it's set several years after The End. So obviously, spoilers. And pretentious poetry readings. Haha. Rated R.

( to court the honeyed heart )

Written in 2004. As usual. I've done nothing since. I think lilith_morgana beta read this. Rated R, maybe. And pfft, miserable!lesbian. Could I be more stereotypical? If I write femmeslash again, you bet it's going to be fluffy. There won't be any of those stupid mean str8 girls who flirt with you then run off to their boyfriends, EITHER. *grumblegrumble*

( pretty girls make graves )

Not to be taken too seriously. What happens when Religious Studies 101 eats your brain. All bashing is done with affection. Or something.

( with apologies to monty python )

I wrote this for mctabby in 2004. I think there may have been a challenge involved? I'm not sure. It's not exactly explicit. For Dark Lord/Poltergeist fic, I'm sure!

( a spell gone wrong )

The Celebrity Crush Meme! Although in some cases I've taken 'celebrity' quite lightly. As you will no doubt see. ANYWAY. :))

( I will start with the women. )

I FORGOT ABOUT TILDA SWINTON. Just look at my icon, okay. She's lovely. :)

I've just finished a week and a half of (paid) training at An Insurance Company Wot Shall Not Be Named. I thought it was going to be boring, but it actually looks pretty complex. I'll be dealing with people who've basically lost everything due to natural disasters. Making cash settlements, paying builders, processing invoices, selecting replacements for household contents, arranging temp accommodation... that kind of thing. It's interesting, and I'll actually get to feel like I'm doing something useful. The people who started with me are all insanely friendly, which is awesome, the office is about ten minutes away by bus, and more importantly? It will look awesome on my CV.

Now I have a four day weekend! Praise the Lord. But what will I do with this unprecedented amount of leisure time? I might start by cleaning my house tomorrow. Living with three cats makes for much mess, I have found. Duh, I hear you say. Ssh.

I had a bath tonight. You might not consider this noteworthy, but then you probably live in a country with water. This was my first bath since June? July? Since the UK, anyway. And before you recoil in disgust, OBVIOUSLY I TAKE SHOWERS. I am clean, okay. But as I seem to have pulled my rhomboid muscle (how, I do not know), and now my shoulder is really sore and twingey, I thought a nice hot bath with mineral salts was in order.

Now I feel lovely. My shoulder's still sore, but mm. I love baths. Poor Rusty got really worried about me, and stayed by the bath all the time that I was in there. He watched me worriedly, and rushed to pat my face when I opened the glass door to grab my towel. Then he tried to pull me out of the bath. Using his claws & my hand. Ow. Poor baby. I gave him some milk when I got out, as a special treat for my boy.

I feel like doing one of those photo crush memes (lust memes?) that were all the rage on LJ about a year or so ago. Needless to say, this will be a thrilling post for you, dear flist. I collected all the pictures of hawt celebrities and at present it's 90% women, 10% men. Good on you, Prince Septimus. You're one of the few men standing between me and pure unadulterated lesbianism. It's just a pity you're fictional.

I think we might go & see 10,000 BC tomorrow. Keep your eyes peeled for a scintillating review -- oh yeah, and I still have to talk about Jumper.

Communities that ought to be flourishing under Insanejournal, and probably will in the future.

customers_suck
catsij

The thing I'm missing about LJ at the minute: there are a lot of vibrant, active communities for all sorts of topics on LJ. I'm thinking stupidpetowners, bad_service, that kind of thing. I don't need the communities to be mirrored, but I'm not sure whether I want to continue reading them on LJ.

Then there are the communities that provide specific information or deal with specific topics: meezerluv, longhair, style customization communities. YA book communities, that kind of thing. I admit it, I just want a community to show off my cats *cough* -- er, but I do actually want to see as much diversity in IJ comms as I do in LJ.

Communities that won't ever "buzz" but would be gr8 nonetheless.

carmody_fans
ya_fiction

A secret shame: I enjoy advice communities, so suckitupdyke and lez_sex_tips were good to read on LJ. Sadly, there are bugger-all comms like that on IJ. What's that, I hear you say? Make one, if I'm missing them so much? Well, I would. But I'm not sure what the etiquette is for nicking someone else's idea. If that makes any sense.

I haven't even started on fandom journals yet. But I'm guessing they're way more active, Y/N?

I'm not sure if anybody else gets this. It's the kind of awkwardness that happens when you realize you've only got five posts on one journal, whereas you had five YEARS of posts on your old journal. It always manifests itself in a desire to spam my journal obsessively, I've found. Got to get my postcount up!

I think I just like feeling as though I have history. Although, stupidly, I also like the anonymous clean-slate feeling of a new journal.

I know I keep rambling on about 2002, but honestly? That's about the level of evolution that the insanejournal community has reached. It does feel like a bit of backward step, and by that I mean that IJ has a small userbase. I'd say it's on par with LJ in 2002. And I don't actually mind that. Sure, the whole 'talking into a void' thing can be a bit disconcerting, especially as most of my flist won't make it over here, but I kind of liked that about early LJ days. I was the grumpy sod who LIKED the invite code system. Insanejournal's definitely going to grow and grow in the months and years ahead of us...

...and I think there's a few things we ought to deal with NOW, rather than later along the line. As IJ grows, there's going to be an increased pressure on the servers and staff to cope with the new influx of people. And a larger userbase might bring added risks for IJ -- maybe a few years down the line, IJ will be thinking about Going Corporate The Way LJ Did.

I just don't want it to come to a choice between a small, safe (& unfortunately, silent) community, or a large community that's been crushed under the heel of yet another SixApart/SUP clone.

So how best to avoid this? Keep the userbase small? Hope IJ never becomes as commercially attractive as LJ?

Or work out a collective solution now. Hammer out the policy. Get a cast-iron ToS. And find some way to cope with the pressures of a larger community before it's too late?

edited to add:

This link here provides an interesting analysis as to the quietness of Insanejournal. I'm inclined to agree that the deadness of communities has an impact on IJ as a whole. I went looking for gay-related comms (an equivalent to suckitupdyke would be a nice start!), and really, I haven't found many. I repeat: 2002. I think I'm going to do a big community search (when I've got my cup of tea) and see about sorting out some links.

It's good to know that homophobia & discrimination are good 'business decisions,' SUP.


If you want me, I'll be over here. I will still pay attention to things here, but I won't be using this journal.